The Road back to us..
The reality of parenthood is that our whole life changes, and with that, our relationship with our partner evolves as well. After having our son, the dynamics between my husband and me began to shift. As new parents, we were always trying to find our feet in this new role, often letting our relationship slip down the priority list. It wasn’t because our love for each other had changed, but more because we struggled to balance everything. Many couples face this challenge after having children, and often, it can lead to the end of marriages or relationships. I want to delve into what my husband and I went through, what we believe were our pitfalls, and how we found our way back to each other.
I can easily say that I was the main reason our relationship was put on the back burner; I remember being so mindful about this before having my son. When I became a mother, I completely changed, and at the time, I genuinely felt that finding my own feet was more important than focusing on my relationship (see, it was me). It wasn’t something I did on purpose; it was just how I coped at the time. Postpartum wasn’t easy for me, and my focus was purely on getting through each day. In doing this, my husband also seemed distant. We both became very snappy with each other, not really allowing each other the space to make mistakes or the time to adjust.
From my perspective, my insecurity about how I looked—particularly the weight I gained during pregnancy—really impacted my mood and confidence. This affected our intimacy in every way. I remember not even wanting to hold hands; I just felt terrible about myself. My husband tried so hard to lift my spirits, reassuring me that I just needed time, that I was beautiful, and that I shouldn’t stress about it. But I wasn’t having any of it. Instead, I kept putting myself down and ended up projecting my insecurities onto him. Looking back, I’m grateful for everything we went through because it ultimately strengthened both me and our relationship.
My husband, even to this day, believes that the financial stress we were under, combined with the fact that we were new parents, was the main thing that took a toll on our relationship. I can see why he thinks that way—it certainly didn’t help our situation—but it wasn’t something that weighed on my mind as much. For him, though, it was different; stress often heightens emotions. In the end, it was probably a combination of both our insecurities and financial worries that contributed to the struggles we faced in our relationship at that time.
As bad as all that sounds, it didn’t break us. Instead, it taught us what we needed to grow both as individuals and as a couple. Things started to change once our son reached six months, and I believe the sleep deprivation had really taken its toll on us both. Once we sat down and had the “big” talk about what we wanted from each other, how we would achieve that, and how to communicate better even when frustrated, we found ourselves in a much better place. We also started to prioritize date nights again, without our son (thanks to my mum babysitting), and it became the best thing for us. Something as simple as sitting on the beach to watch the sunset or taking a walk or drive to random spots just to sit and chat with each other, made all the difference.
Looking back on where we were compared to where we are today, I’m forever grateful for those tough times because they tested us in every aspect—mentally, financially, and emotionally. We had to change everything about ourselves to become stronger as individuals and as a couple. We had to remind ourselves constantly that no matter what, we needed to keep our minds united. And that unity has made us unbreakable. It wasn’t an overnight transformation; it took time and effort, but it was worth it.
We had to admit our faults, be open to possibilities, and be honest and raw with ourselves and each other—otherwise, it wasn’t going to work. Today, I find that our relationship has improved because we, as individuals, have improved. We did the work not just for ourselves or each other, but for our children. In doing that, we created a better relationship, one where I can truly be myself.
One thing that really helped was recognizing the importance of being intentional with our time together. It’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of parenting, but setting aside time to reconnect was crucial. Whether it was a tv show in the evening when the kids went to sleep or a late-night chat, those moments allowed us to remember why we fell in love in the first place. We realized that nurturing our relationship was just as important as nurturing our children because a strong partnership makes for a stronger family.
In the end, what I’ve learned is that relationships, like parenting, require constant effort, patience, and grace. It’s okay to stumble along the way, as long as you’re willing to pick yourselves up and keep going. Our journey through the ups and downs of parenthood has only made us stronger, both as partners and as parents. And for that, I am deeply thankful.