The postpartum diaries Pt 1

Postpartum is a whole new ball game that I wasn’t prepared to play. The aftermath of birth was more stressful than the birth itself. What the hell was going on with me? I suffered so much postpartum, and because I hadn't educated myself beforehand, I struggled to navigate the emotions and challenges that came with it. If you are going through this right now, you are not alone. I’m going to share my raw experience of postpartum—the good and the bad.

After I gave birth to my son, I struggled with absolutely everything. I had a forceps and episiotomy delivery, and for the whole six weeks, I was in pain. So, while I was healing, I was also experiencing very heightened emotions, which didn’t help the healing process. To top it all off, I was very sleep-deprived. When my husband went to work, I was an absolute mess. I would call my mum crying, not understanding why I felt this way. I really do recommend speaking to someone if you feel this way; you should always seek medical advice.

The emotions I felt at that time were always just feelings of being down about myself. Whether I felt I wasn’t being a good mum or that I felt ugly and upset with my body postpartum, I just felt it all. No matter what anyone said, nothing ever made me feel better. The truth is, I was super overcritical of myself about everything. When you become a new mum, you really don’t know how to handle this new wave of stress and worry that comes with your child. I honestly didn’t understand until I became a parent how much I would stress and worry about my child. I would have thoughts that would pop into my head, reminding me to be careful with everything. An example would be, “Make sure you don’t let him ever jump on the bed in case he falls and hits the back of his head.” It was crazy how many of those thoughts would pop into my head, which would absolutely scare me. As if motherhood isn’t scary enough, there are all these thoughts reminding you of all the things that could happen.

All these feelings stuck around until my son turned one years old. I spent a whole year suffering in silence. It really was a battle with my mind that I constantly felt I was losing. Why couldn’t I fix myself? Why did I fall so hard? I had so many things going on behind closed doors that really kept my head underwater for longer than it should. It is hard to put into words where my mind was at that time, but for a long time I felt I had let myself down.

My experience may seem intense, but I need to mention that I still had my good days within the year. I honestly believe I was struggling with the changes that came in all aspects of my life. When you live so long in denial of what is about to happen, when the change comes, you aren’t prepared. I felt like my whole personality changed, and instead of embracing the changes, I saw it as a negative, which wasn’t true. I needed to be more open about finding my new self, i mean i was now a mother- of course i had changed.

I did find peace, though. Three months after my son turned one, I felt a lot calmer and in a routine. I woke up and just felt better. My son beginning to sleep through the night really helped me mentally, and i started to feel more confident as a mother. I started working out more, which helped my mental health. I ate more clean and whole foods, which kept my body healthy, I was doing more hobbies which also helped me creatively, and I was going out more with friends for dinner or movie. I just started having a life again, allowing myself to feel my own cup which then helped me to be a better mother to my son.

 I started really embracing the hard times I had, giving myself the grace and kindness I deserved. Everything I experienced, I now feel, happened for a reason. It really prepared me for postpartum the second time around, and my goodness, it was so different. This time, I embraced the changes instead of resisting them. I was kinder to myself and allowed myself to feel and heal. Postpartum is tough, but with each challenge, I grew stronger and more resilient. I handled the change so much better when my daughter was born, I was a champion—calm and relaxed.

I have to say I’m incredibly grateful for my Family, My husband really was my rock through everything. My son really helped me through my postpartum journey, his love kept me going every day. Each giggle and smile reminded me that I was doing okay. He gave me purpose and strength. When our beautiful daughter arrived, she too made motherhood even more rewarding.

To all the new mums out there, remember you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to ask for help. Embrace the hard times, give yourself grace, and know that you are doing an incredible job. The love and patience you show your children every day is proof of your strength and dedication. So learn from my mistakes, have more faith in yourself - it honestly goes a long way.

Motherhood is a journey of constant evolution, and with each step, we find new depths of love and resilience within ourselves. Be patient with your journey and remember that you are more capable than you realize.